I realized something today. And for me it was quite profound.
Jesus, when he was on earth, could have avoided sadness, pain, sorrow, and the sickness of this world. He could have avoided feeling all of those oppressive emotions.
He didn't avoid them. John 11:30 "Jesus wept."
Whenever I feel anything remotely negative I immediately try to cheer myself up. Or make those negative feelings go away. It makes sense in a way. If something is hurting you try to make the pain stop.
Emotions are more complex. They are oppressive but they are these little red flags. Telling us something is not right. When we cease to feel we become desensitized. We should feel oppressed by the darkness of the world. It's not right. It shouldn't feel right.
So how did Jesus deal with the darkness? He went to God. He turned on a light. He prayed. And prayed some more. He sought God with all his heart and worshipped him. He still felt the pain though.
I'm going to continue exploring this problem. The problem of pain. Why does God allow us to experience such intense suffering, both emotional and physical? I know Jesus warned us we would. Yet I still struggle with it.
It might be worth noting at this point that awhile ago I prayed that God would increase my faith and trust in him. In fact I have been praying for that a lot recently. I do believe, that God is answering my prayer. I've been having more doubts, but trust and faith aren't passive. You can't grow them through complacency or comforts. They are only grown in toil, doubts, and struggles. God loves me. That is the one thing I know with absolute certainty. I choose to stake everything I have on that. That is my axiom, the starting point I shall use as I embark on this journey.
The journey for truth. I don't want to settle for platitudes. I don't want to cover up my doubts or shove them in the corner. I am going to wrestle with them. It is time to discover what is real, and what is not.
